I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
