last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just want to make out with him forever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
