Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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