I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You took a bar mat shot.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
