Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
