just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
