Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
