Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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