guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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