I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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