this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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