I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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