On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
