I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Even my vagina gasped.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
