It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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