Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize