Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
