i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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