I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When are your genitals available?
My bed smells like the plague
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
