yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
