I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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