you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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