Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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