Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
why do cheetos always look like penises
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
