you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
