my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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