I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
