I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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