I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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