Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize