I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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