The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
