So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My feet surprised me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
