I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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