Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
