You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
