wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it glows. i had to have it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
