Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
