I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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