I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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