he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
