but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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