Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
