im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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