You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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