I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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