they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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