i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
