Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
