How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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