I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just forgot I was standing up.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
