If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize