I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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