I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
