hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
