The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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