I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
