I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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