I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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