So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
