What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
