Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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